17 hours ago
I don’t know that anyone has really noticed, but I’m going on one of my anxiety downward spirals. I can feel it. I’ve managed to…slow it?…by doing things I’ve learned, but are pretty much just avoidance and don’t accomplish anything. And my health problems aren’t helping. The gallbladder removal pretty much only helped with the gallbladder, and I still have bloating, pain, acid reflux, regurgitation, lack of appetite. I had a check-up with my general practitioner today and apparently I’ve lost 10 pounds, which is more that can be explained by having my gallbladder removed. Luckily, I have been open with my mother about my difficulties eating, so this isn’t anything new to her. But yeah. I can feel myself spiraling down really slowly.
Good news is, Rachel arrives on Friday. That’s right, Rachel. My best friend. And this will probably result in a HUGE boost in my emotional energy. I remember back during our first year of friendship, there was a noticeable difference between weeks where I got to hang out with her for even just a hour or not. I would have visited Rachel in NYC before now, but working at CSMA and then having surgery got in the way. But anyway, I might be really upbeat, at least while Rachel is here. I’m not sure how I’ll be when she leaves, but at least I have my family here, so I’m not alone, and more and more I’m teaching my mom what things like physical contact mean to me emotionally with my anxiety (it’s a big part of how I express and receive affection as well as stave off that feeling of not being real and falling to pieces) and what are physical indicators of me feeling anxious.
1 week ago
1 week ago
Because my sleepiness and appetite being all messed up, and I no longer have daily structure like working at CSMA, I’m ending up kinda all over the place and not shower and getting dressed until the afternoon and only eating one or two meals. (I’m also really trying to conserve funds right now) -sigh- Usually my energy level and appetite would regulate me somewhat, but they’ve been all messed up since spring, and additionally so since the surgery. That being said, everything is healing nicely and I’m still keeping my apartment clean, doing laundry, dishes, and stuff.
But my lack of art making means that I feel horribly unproductive. I think maybe I need to work on not tying my self worth to my art quite so much. I know it was the raft that kept me from committing suicide for so many years, but things have changed and I need to stop stressing about art and just enjoy it the way I do once I get in the middle of a piece. I love art and rationally understand that it’s okay if things go wrong, piece doesn’t turn out well, will never be perfect, or if I need to start over. Maybe I’m just emotionally fixated without realizing it, because for so long it was the only way I could convince myself that it was worth and it was worth it to suffer through another day of academic struggles, bullying, aching loneliness, and self-hatred. Maybe that’s what I need to teach myself. I should talk to my psychologist to see what he thinks.
Oh, I took one of my favorite t-shirts that had a tiny hole and I was going to have to throw out and turned it into a cover for my desk chair to make it more comfortable. I am thoroughly pleased so far and my re-pourposing of things that have holes and/or stains. It’s like I don’t really need to give them up.
1 week ago
If you’re super near-sighted like me and can’t remember where you left your glasses, because like an idiot you didn’t put them in the place you always do, see if you can’t find a digital camera or smart phone. You can then use this to easily search for your misplaced glasses, because you can hold the screen close enough that your eyes can focus properly. (Which for me is less than a foot away, because gosh darn is my eyesight bad.)
2 weeks ago
You need regular, good doses of it to keep you balanced and happy. But you also can’t sleep all day, or you’ll become sick. You need to get up and challenge yourself. So don’t feel guilty if you need to take some time in your comfort zone to get back your strength and stability, but make sure to venture out and go on adventures regularly.